The last decade has been the best of my life. It's been a transformative journey. A pivotal moment occurred when I said "Yes" to a new job. I had a fresh start with a company that liberated me from the confines of my previous role, where I felt undervalued and underpaid. The firm acknowledged my expertise and rewarded me accordingly. Welcoming this change gave me a newfound lightness and confidence.
I began crafting a different life—a happier existence with less resistance.
In under a year after accepting the new job, I disentangled myself from co-owning a condo with my boyfriend and bought a house an hour away in southern New Hampshire. This decision was a long time coming and fraught with much anguish. It was time to free myself from the rationalizations and perceived comfort of staying the same in my personal and professional life.
I yearned for a deeper connection with horses for years, and the work-life balance afforded by my new position allowed me to pursue riding lessons at a local barn. It was at this barn I discovered my heart horse, Rudy. I had only been in New Hampshire for one year when I said, "Yes!" to him, fulfilling a lifelong dream of horse ownership. The sheer joy and fulfillment I felt were indescribable. Every time I pulled into the barn and saw him, I was awestruck.
Nine years later, that feeling remains. Anyone who knows Rudy recognizes he's a force of nature. He is intelligent, sensitive, expressive, attuned, and wise. He has a presence that inexplicably draws people's attention. I know our destiny was to come together to co-create, for as soon as I started working with him, I sensed something bigger was on the horizon.
Two years into our relationship, a story started flowing through me. Paragraphs wrote themselves effortlessly in my head, and it didn't take long to realize that I would write Rudy's story. Like the flowing paragraphs, so came the format for the books. Rudy would tell his readers about his life, the ups and downs, the challenges and adventures. He would describe how he felt about it all, and in doing so, he would connect and educate readers.
I had no plans to write a children's book, but the push came from something bigger than myself. Between 2018 and 2023, I wrote, self-published, marketed, and sold the Rudy the Rudster book series. During these years, there were many yeses, some conscious and some not. Writing the books helped me find my voice.
In my personal life, I struggled to stand up for myself and communicate my needs. My modus Operandi was to tolerate, endure, and suffer in silence. I knew how to do this, and it felt safer than the alternatives. I feared judgment and disliked conflict. I often hid my true feelings even when amongst close friends or family. I feared public opinion, yet I found myself willing to put myself in the public eye for Rudy and the messages conveyed in the books. After engaging in numerous encouraging conversations, I found the courage to write personal stories and blogs. Speaking my truth has been freeing. I am motivated and less fearful of sharing my story.
I agreed to be a student when I said "Yes" to Rudy. Little did I know that owning a horse would require such depth and breadth of knowledge. I initially teased that I was attending "Horse University." When I accepted Rudy into my life, I said "Yes" to advocating for him. Rudy's welfare depended on my willingness to question people with more experience to ensure he received care suited to his needs. Doing so helped me to use my voice and become more comfortable with conflict.
Partnering with Rudy required me to practice setting and maintaining boundaries. Before he was in my life, I had few boundaries and struggled to keep those I set. He was persistent with his lessons and frequently tested me. In the early days, he frustrated the heck out of me. He has pushed me to be a better human. Growth requires people to say "Yes." We must be willing to see ourselves differently and alter our behavior.
Owning a horse has taught me a lot about fear. I realized I had buried fears that controlled some of my choices. Until Rudy, I suppressed my feelings. One scary fall off him was all it took to open the floodgate. In the days after the accident, fear coursed through me even when I wasn't with him. The tiniest thought of the fall produced a visceral reaction in my body. My muscles tensed, my heart raced, and my mind was clouded. I did my best to calm myself, which involved taking a few deep breaths and pushing down all that was coming for me. While this approach worked with humans, it didn't work with Rudy. He was far too sensitive and picked up on the slightest hint of worry.
Rudy helped me become aware of my fear and the sensations in my body that I previously denied and sought to suppress. Over time, and with help from a therapist, I learned how to allow and interpret the sensations in my body without attaching unnecessary meaning. Saying "Yes" to feeling meant I was no longer numb and disassociated.
Rudy taught me the difference between aggression and assertiveness. I'm blessed to have a horse who knows the difference. This lesson bubbled to the surface early in our relationship. My inexperience contributed to some unskillful attempts to modify his behavior. When I crossed the line, he wasted no time letting me know my request was unacceptable. He stomped his foot in defiance, refused to move, kicked out at me, and tossed his head as if to say, "No!" Through these interactions, I said "Yes" to new ways of working with him.
I learned to slow down and be patient. It became evident that less is more, and that softness is much better than the alternative. I said "Yes" to letting go of agendas and learned to flow with what Rudy gave me when we worked together. Horses humble you in a way humans cannot. Their intelligence, sensitivity, and capacity to feel are astounding. They encourage us to listen. Horses are powerful yet yield if you glance at a particular area of their body with intention. They know your intention even if you do not.
Horses are always present and never lie. These two attributes alone are worth the time, money, and commitment they require. Humans are often focused on themselves, listen poorly, and lie when it's convenient. The longer I am around equines, the more I value everything they have to offer. I am a better person with these magnificent animals by my side.
Rudy opened up a new world of people to me, some of whom have become good friends. We come from all walks of life and share one thing in common: our love of horses. My life has changed so much in the past nine years—magical years of learning, growth, and connection. Rudy and I are better than ever. I feel like I am dough on one of those machines that pulls and stretches, turning it repeatedly until it is ready to rise.
It's been a transformative decade. I am healthier, happier, and more connected to myself than ever. I still have plenty more work to do to get where I am going, but I'll get there with Rudy by my side.
By Diane R. Jones
July 2024
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